I feel utterly depressed. I just added desperado to my playlist, not saying that i havent listened to it for forever but i just took the long not done and did it. Sophies blog which trust me i love you soph but it made me start to think, more like it was the key to open the door that i have been pushing against to keep closed for so long. every now and then i will take these things out but it is one of the hardest things to shove back away. This despair and feeling that i am not supposed to be here. I know im not the only one feeling this but i feel that i feel this almost on another level. I honestly believe that i am wasting myself sitting here in school and being all worked up in petty things like "she said this..." or i love him so much i feel i might die. what is the point, truly i dont understand. I know im not supposed to understand but what scares me so is that when i look into my future i dont see myself. you know you kinda get this feeling when something isnt going to happen, you make plans and you just know it wont pull through, this is the feeling i get. This is what scares me, because i have amazing intuition..... On the other hand the only thing making me believe that this world is real and worth it is love... i am beyond hopeless romantic. i scare myself when it comes to this because i get so developed and intertwined in things not to mention people. I know i sound positively suicidal but trust me im stable and perfectly okay. I think we need to talk about something more happy because that brought me down a tad.
something happy....something happy.... my AP exam is in less then 2 weeks and i know nothing. regents are after that and again (at least in trig) i know nothing. yes that was happy... Oh i know! im going to long island/ NYC this weekend to see one of my closest friends Katherine! its her birthday and the theme is Decades, different rooms are going to be decorated in different decades ex 20s 60s 80s and we have to come prepared for it :) Friday is the day i'm going down and its Katherines 3 month anniversary so im going to be a third wheel in a way... they are going to eat Italian ice on the water and i am going to watch and feel pain in my heart for them (tra la! that love thing again) and most likely be the photographer. i am positively giddy at the prospect of this, unfortunately the week can not go so slowly.
