HAHA SCORE

yeh so the stalking continued,i was right, hes gay.... thats ok, kinda already knew that. doesnt stop me from stalking him and being his friend!! im telling you, i gotta make friends!! so much knowledge!!

Feel Again

Whoa!! talk about some rather disturbing teenage blog posts! I am sitting here on the verge of moving in to my own apartment with my sister and ryan and all i can think is how quickly the years flow by. The things that have happened in the past few years never stop to amaze me, i went to college in one of the greatest cities in the world, i had to leave the one person i love the most and realized he actually does have emotions and feelings, he just cant show them for anything. Ryan finally admitted he was gay, hes a slut now, but i still love him more than you can imagine, i told him i had feelings for him, then quickly realized i had misunderstood exactly what was occurring inside me. I do love him, i need him, but i know what we are and what we have and as difficult as it can be i am incredibly happy. We are about to move in together and probably share a bed, if anyone can do it, we can i suppose. Hes really stepped up and let me know how much he cares, i know that if he lost me, he'd be hurting and for some reason that really makes me feel good.

I came home from college early, 7 semesters early ;) I am completely in love with learning but paying $27,000 every year and not knowing what to do with it did not sound like an option, not to mention i cant deal with my parents owning my life, they have no say as to what i do. They are really quite brilliant though, they have so much wisdom to share and i try to absorb as much as my brain will let me. They are about to open Park Side Eatery, a joy for the whole family. I will be working there, hopefully well and in a joyous way. When not slaving away in the eatery i am working at Banana Republic.

Ahh banana.... what do i even say, with our lovely role models Ben and Ana, every day is a new experience in rude customers and being reprimanded for what i do. Even though i seem to fuck up on something most days i really enjoy it, there's something very soothing about folding the same stack of sweaters every time you come in. The people are really great, lovely managers, a warm family of coworkers and of course i developed a crush in the first month.... I dont know if its as much a crush as it is a total infatuation, i cant even describe it. There was this feeling of "i need to be your friend..." and that's when i started texting inappropriately and doing major creeping on the internet. But you all know me, the second i get my eye on something i will do anything to get it... it never works with people but it does get me very obsessed with them. How does one even describe him, a jewelry maker who went to skidmore, who loves working with clay, had an entire blog dedicated to his textiles and loom named Barbara V, im trying to figure out if that is a roman numeral or not, and has traveled all over the world. There is something so intriguing about him. I mean besides what ive learned by creeping i honestly have no idea about him, is he even straight? lets look at all the people that work at BR, basically no one is straight... not to mention i always fall for the gay ones. Who even knows, maybe ive met my match and hes reading this as we speak because he decided to stalk me as much as ive stalked him.... HA! if only....

Gabby- ".......blah blah blah i dreamed about you and im lying about someone else being in my dream blah blah READ BETWEEN THE LINES AND BE MY FRIEND"

Mo- " ok im rather scared for my life "Weirdo^^ LOL" this girl is out of her mind.....stop texting me"

Gabby- " yeh basically im going to murder you while you sleep, hope you dont mind. Of course thats after getting coffee and letting me pick your brain about basically everything because you are such a fascinating person and i think i could learn so much from you"

So basically thats how the conversation went, it just adds to the charm of our prior convos where i do really great things like challenge his integrity... score.

Moving on from the opposite sex and how confusing it all is, I have been LOVING the soundtrack to Beasts of the Southern Wilderness.... I cannot even describe it, each chord strikes my soul in the most precious way. *side note: he listens to really cool music and likes lotr and is a gamer, does it get better?*

But lately i've been listening to sad slow music, well, im pretty sure i've been listening to that since i was just a young thing, but ive been having a difficult time emotionally with Kresten. Who knew a friendship could disrupt your life like that. Who knew someone you knew for 6 months could change you. Is it over? will i see him again? can i ever truly trust him after what he did to me? drama... problems... pain... crying... things that need to end right now. I need to learn how to lose friends. Life lesson #347.


Well y'all. See you soon love.

Summer

It is no longer summer. school has started, five days in, it is not bad, i enjoy my classes and everything.

But I was wrong... it was not said this summer. It wasn't right, maybe it will never be right. Maybe i have to let it go....just let it go...

July 1st

So...on the eve of one of the most heart wrenching weeks of my life i stand here waiting and watching my life go around me. As of today, July 1st common app is open to several colleges... So i have spent the evening filling out my very  first application, true the dream school is not yet up but several backups are. I'm not even definitely applying to the schools i chose but i have them none the less. I don't understand why people are so stressed by this...it seems easy to me, besides writing the essay these are easy cheesy fun times. So thats where i am at this moment

Lux Aeterna

Life is confusing and hard to embark upon. How does any one really ever know anything about their life, they don't, there is no control over the horrors and hurts, the loves and laughs, or the dreams and wishes. I wish it was just that simple that we could all run around exclaiming inspirational quotes and life would be great. ":Live Live Laugh" is one that seems to follow me, not to sound pessimistic or negative but the people that say that are all hypocrites... nobody (at least the people i am talking about) do that. They are petty and find problems with everything. Their homes are perfectly decorated and have little inspirations everywhere but inside they are broken. They fill emotional voids with the buying of furniture and decorations and clothing, the more the buy, the more they cover it up. I am someone who does not keep things inside very well, true there are things i bottle up but it literally tears me apart to do that, i will forever be honest and open about my emotions. These people don't realize how much it hurts to be on the end of their bottled up emotions. They judge, the discriminate, they are in opposition to everything me... i am the black spot in their lives. I will also admit to being a drama queen so this may be exaggerated but they are very good at making it feel that way, how do you really know without having a confrontation, you don't. What is even more stupid is i don't know how many times i can sit here and complain about this, i have talked to him probably four times, my mother once, my friends, my journal and now i'm writing it here. I just don't know how to fix this feeling. Wow i wonder if this paragraph could have been anymore cryptic, but no worries, nobody reads this so no problems. I am an awful person for writing this. Im just so swept up in everything... i'm just so absorbed in everything...maybe i am an awful person. I judge, i criticize, im rotten, im a jerk, im possessive, i am dramatic. who could love that...i wouldnt even want to be near that...
I feel like its going to be said this summer... i just can not hold it in any longer, it slowly destroys me from the inside out. But once it is, everything changes... life changes, the world, at least my world, changes, for better or for worse it has to come out (look another one of those cliches). Because right now...i'm not happy, well i am happy but only about 50 % of the time, the rest i am being tormented and i feel all teen angst-y. And i don't enjoy feeling teen angst-y, because contrary to some peoples beliefs i am an incredibly happy person, i just care too much... way too much, who knew caring could be such a handicap. No Worries Love

You killed the dog....again

I got a 100 on the torque quiz!!!!!!!
















the enthusiasm just overwhelmed me :)

Wingardium Leviosa

      Oh my my how time flies. I honestly thought that it had been about a week since i last posted. So there for i was surprised that my lovely computer stated no in fact it had been over a month! How is that that you can get something mixed up like that.
      
      I am super excited for this week to go by! Thursday of this week i am going to be missing half of school to be taped for a WMHT Christmas special! Singing only the worst Christmas songs known to man, oh not to mention in our brand new run of the mill boring dull black dresses..........cheers. Really gets you in the Christmas spirit that does. Then friday after school i am rushing over to the cinemas to see.... thats right HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS: PART 1!!!!!!!!!! the excitement is over whelming. Would you like to know what i hate? i hate people who don't read the books and say they are huge fans, i hate people who have read the books once and say they know everything, i hate the people that only see the movies and think harry potter is awesome because of the movies.....i could go on for a very long time. Everybody move aside for the true lovers, the people who have read the books oh i don't know 12 times... and know probably anything you could ask then besides a few names because well i am horrible with names. These are the people that dress up for harry potter parties and know the real story not the one hollywood made up for, no reason that i can see. Anyways so after that i guess i'm going over to renee's house? I'm not so happy about that one but...nothing i can do. Saturday we leave for BOSTON to see Harry Potter on a giant Imax with my dear aunt :) coming home sunday i expect to cram some homework and practice practice practice!!! for my drivers test monday morning! one more day of school and i leave for NYC! for thanskgiving and as a gift to my grandparents for their 50th anniversary. They have been to new york and i even though i plan to spend a  insane amount of time finding the perfect piece of pizza or the most heavenly slice of cheesecake in new york(and surrounding areas) i am really looking forward to showing my grandparents the amazing place they are going to. I love sharing my ideas and thoughts and i cant wait to see their expressions, my gramma may act calm but i know that inside she is amazed with everything she is seeing or experiencing. I go straight into belling ringing and possibly a (real) shopping date with ryan that sunday. And ill be able to drive us there! ahh excitement for the next few weeks! From there on its a straight shot to Christmas! 41 days by the way :)

I love enya and sleep so i am going to take this opportunity to indulge in both, after the warm pumpkin bread pudding with hot caramel sauce and freshly whipped cream i happened across earlier i am content and sleep is in my eyes. Good Night Love