Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Lux Aeterna

Life is confusing and hard to embark upon. How does any one really ever know anything about their life, they don't, there is no control over the horrors and hurts, the loves and laughs, or the dreams and wishes. I wish it was just that simple that we could all run around exclaiming inspirational quotes and life would be great. ":Live Live Laugh" is one that seems to follow me, not to sound pessimistic or negative but the people that say that are all hypocrites... nobody (at least the people i am talking about) do that. They are petty and find problems with everything. Their homes are perfectly decorated and have little inspirations everywhere but inside they are broken. They fill emotional voids with the buying of furniture and decorations and clothing, the more the buy, the more they cover it up. I am someone who does not keep things inside very well, true there are things i bottle up but it literally tears me apart to do that, i will forever be honest and open about my emotions. These people don't realize how much it hurts to be on the end of their bottled up emotions. They judge, the discriminate, they are in opposition to everything me... i am the black spot in their lives. I will also admit to being a drama queen so this may be exaggerated but they are very good at making it feel that way, how do you really know without having a confrontation, you don't. What is even more stupid is i don't know how many times i can sit here and complain about this, i have talked to him probably four times, my mother once, my friends, my journal and now i'm writing it here. I just don't know how to fix this feeling. Wow i wonder if this paragraph could have been anymore cryptic, but no worries, nobody reads this so no problems. I am an awful person for writing this. Im just so swept up in everything... i'm just so absorbed in everything...maybe i am an awful person. I judge, i criticize, im rotten, im a jerk, im possessive, i am dramatic. who could love that...i wouldnt even want to be near that...
I feel like its going to be said this summer... i just can not hold it in any longer, it slowly destroys me from the inside out. But once it is, everything changes... life changes, the world, at least my world, changes, for better or for worse it has to come out (look another one of those cliches). Because right now...i'm not happy, well i am happy but only about 50 % of the time, the rest i am being tormented and i feel all teen angst-y. And i don't enjoy feeling teen angst-y, because contrary to some peoples beliefs i am an incredibly happy person, i just care too much... way too much, who knew caring could be such a handicap. No Worries Love