HAHA SCORE

yeh so the stalking continued,i was right, hes gay.... thats ok, kinda already knew that. doesnt stop me from stalking him and being his friend!! im telling you, i gotta make friends!! so much knowledge!!

Feel Again

Whoa!! talk about some rather disturbing teenage blog posts! I am sitting here on the verge of moving in to my own apartment with my sister and ryan and all i can think is how quickly the years flow by. The things that have happened in the past few years never stop to amaze me, i went to college in one of the greatest cities in the world, i had to leave the one person i love the most and realized he actually does have emotions and feelings, he just cant show them for anything. Ryan finally admitted he was gay, hes a slut now, but i still love him more than you can imagine, i told him i had feelings for him, then quickly realized i had misunderstood exactly what was occurring inside me. I do love him, i need him, but i know what we are and what we have and as difficult as it can be i am incredibly happy. We are about to move in together and probably share a bed, if anyone can do it, we can i suppose. Hes really stepped up and let me know how much he cares, i know that if he lost me, he'd be hurting and for some reason that really makes me feel good.

I came home from college early, 7 semesters early ;) I am completely in love with learning but paying $27,000 every year and not knowing what to do with it did not sound like an option, not to mention i cant deal with my parents owning my life, they have no say as to what i do. They are really quite brilliant though, they have so much wisdom to share and i try to absorb as much as my brain will let me. They are about to open Park Side Eatery, a joy for the whole family. I will be working there, hopefully well and in a joyous way. When not slaving away in the eatery i am working at Banana Republic.

Ahh banana.... what do i even say, with our lovely role models Ben and Ana, every day is a new experience in rude customers and being reprimanded for what i do. Even though i seem to fuck up on something most days i really enjoy it, there's something very soothing about folding the same stack of sweaters every time you come in. The people are really great, lovely managers, a warm family of coworkers and of course i developed a crush in the first month.... I dont know if its as much a crush as it is a total infatuation, i cant even describe it. There was this feeling of "i need to be your friend..." and that's when i started texting inappropriately and doing major creeping on the internet. But you all know me, the second i get my eye on something i will do anything to get it... it never works with people but it does get me very obsessed with them. How does one even describe him, a jewelry maker who went to skidmore, who loves working with clay, had an entire blog dedicated to his textiles and loom named Barbara V, im trying to figure out if that is a roman numeral or not, and has traveled all over the world. There is something so intriguing about him. I mean besides what ive learned by creeping i honestly have no idea about him, is he even straight? lets look at all the people that work at BR, basically no one is straight... not to mention i always fall for the gay ones. Who even knows, maybe ive met my match and hes reading this as we speak because he decided to stalk me as much as ive stalked him.... HA! if only....

Gabby- ".......blah blah blah i dreamed about you and im lying about someone else being in my dream blah blah READ BETWEEN THE LINES AND BE MY FRIEND"

Mo- " ok im rather scared for my life "Weirdo^^ LOL" this girl is out of her mind.....stop texting me"

Gabby- " yeh basically im going to murder you while you sleep, hope you dont mind. Of course thats after getting coffee and letting me pick your brain about basically everything because you are such a fascinating person and i think i could learn so much from you"

So basically thats how the conversation went, it just adds to the charm of our prior convos where i do really great things like challenge his integrity... score.

Moving on from the opposite sex and how confusing it all is, I have been LOVING the soundtrack to Beasts of the Southern Wilderness.... I cannot even describe it, each chord strikes my soul in the most precious way. *side note: he listens to really cool music and likes lotr and is a gamer, does it get better?*

But lately i've been listening to sad slow music, well, im pretty sure i've been listening to that since i was just a young thing, but ive been having a difficult time emotionally with Kresten. Who knew a friendship could disrupt your life like that. Who knew someone you knew for 6 months could change you. Is it over? will i see him again? can i ever truly trust him after what he did to me? drama... problems... pain... crying... things that need to end right now. I need to learn how to lose friends. Life lesson #347.


Well y'all. See you soon love.

Summer

It is no longer summer. school has started, five days in, it is not bad, i enjoy my classes and everything.

But I was wrong... it was not said this summer. It wasn't right, maybe it will never be right. Maybe i have to let it go....just let it go...

July 1st

So...on the eve of one of the most heart wrenching weeks of my life i stand here waiting and watching my life go around me. As of today, July 1st common app is open to several colleges... So i have spent the evening filling out my very  first application, true the dream school is not yet up but several backups are. I'm not even definitely applying to the schools i chose but i have them none the less. I don't understand why people are so stressed by this...it seems easy to me, besides writing the essay these are easy cheesy fun times. So thats where i am at this moment

Lux Aeterna

Life is confusing and hard to embark upon. How does any one really ever know anything about their life, they don't, there is no control over the horrors and hurts, the loves and laughs, or the dreams and wishes. I wish it was just that simple that we could all run around exclaiming inspirational quotes and life would be great. ":Live Live Laugh" is one that seems to follow me, not to sound pessimistic or negative but the people that say that are all hypocrites... nobody (at least the people i am talking about) do that. They are petty and find problems with everything. Their homes are perfectly decorated and have little inspirations everywhere but inside they are broken. They fill emotional voids with the buying of furniture and decorations and clothing, the more the buy, the more they cover it up. I am someone who does not keep things inside very well, true there are things i bottle up but it literally tears me apart to do that, i will forever be honest and open about my emotions. These people don't realize how much it hurts to be on the end of their bottled up emotions. They judge, the discriminate, they are in opposition to everything me... i am the black spot in their lives. I will also admit to being a drama queen so this may be exaggerated but they are very good at making it feel that way, how do you really know without having a confrontation, you don't. What is even more stupid is i don't know how many times i can sit here and complain about this, i have talked to him probably four times, my mother once, my friends, my journal and now i'm writing it here. I just don't know how to fix this feeling. Wow i wonder if this paragraph could have been anymore cryptic, but no worries, nobody reads this so no problems. I am an awful person for writing this. Im just so swept up in everything... i'm just so absorbed in everything...maybe i am an awful person. I judge, i criticize, im rotten, im a jerk, im possessive, i am dramatic. who could love that...i wouldnt even want to be near that...
I feel like its going to be said this summer... i just can not hold it in any longer, it slowly destroys me from the inside out. But once it is, everything changes... life changes, the world, at least my world, changes, for better or for worse it has to come out (look another one of those cliches). Because right now...i'm not happy, well i am happy but only about 50 % of the time, the rest i am being tormented and i feel all teen angst-y. And i don't enjoy feeling teen angst-y, because contrary to some peoples beliefs i am an incredibly happy person, i just care too much... way too much, who knew caring could be such a handicap. No Worries Love

You killed the dog....again

I got a 100 on the torque quiz!!!!!!!
















the enthusiasm just overwhelmed me :)

Wingardium Leviosa

      Oh my my how time flies. I honestly thought that it had been about a week since i last posted. So there for i was surprised that my lovely computer stated no in fact it had been over a month! How is that that you can get something mixed up like that.
      
      I am super excited for this week to go by! Thursday of this week i am going to be missing half of school to be taped for a WMHT Christmas special! Singing only the worst Christmas songs known to man, oh not to mention in our brand new run of the mill boring dull black dresses..........cheers. Really gets you in the Christmas spirit that does. Then friday after school i am rushing over to the cinemas to see.... thats right HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS: PART 1!!!!!!!!!! the excitement is over whelming. Would you like to know what i hate? i hate people who don't read the books and say they are huge fans, i hate people who have read the books once and say they know everything, i hate the people that only see the movies and think harry potter is awesome because of the movies.....i could go on for a very long time. Everybody move aside for the true lovers, the people who have read the books oh i don't know 12 times... and know probably anything you could ask then besides a few names because well i am horrible with names. These are the people that dress up for harry potter parties and know the real story not the one hollywood made up for, no reason that i can see. Anyways so after that i guess i'm going over to renee's house? I'm not so happy about that one but...nothing i can do. Saturday we leave for BOSTON to see Harry Potter on a giant Imax with my dear aunt :) coming home sunday i expect to cram some homework and practice practice practice!!! for my drivers test monday morning! one more day of school and i leave for NYC! for thanskgiving and as a gift to my grandparents for their 50th anniversary. They have been to new york and i even though i plan to spend a  insane amount of time finding the perfect piece of pizza or the most heavenly slice of cheesecake in new york(and surrounding areas) i am really looking forward to showing my grandparents the amazing place they are going to. I love sharing my ideas and thoughts and i cant wait to see their expressions, my gramma may act calm but i know that inside she is amazed with everything she is seeing or experiencing. I go straight into belling ringing and possibly a (real) shopping date with ryan that sunday. And ill be able to drive us there! ahh excitement for the next few weeks! From there on its a straight shot to Christmas! 41 days by the way :)

I love enya and sleep so i am going to take this opportunity to indulge in both, after the warm pumpkin bread pudding with hot caramel sauce and freshly whipped cream i happened across earlier i am content and sleep is in my eyes. Good Night Love

my head and my heart

Sorry it has been so long! i convinced my self it took too much time to blog my life away but i decided that was stupid and that i need a way to vent so with the family, however small it may be, i have here i shall vent. I could be one of those people that writes a half message on facebook that sounds emo, depressed and dramatic or i can explain my life in full here. to say i am stressed is an understatement. The main stress in my life is not ap physics or apush or volunteering or work or anything of that nature. No my stress is the kind of drama that you would find in a high school girl's life, the she does this he does that they say this kind of drama. Trust me i hate it but i cant help what im feeling. How do i explain that i am literally eaten inside every time i see a stupid homecoming picture or every time i do not get the text to make plans to go to the mall. stupid i know but this involves my best friend and i know it wouldn't bother me if it was elior or felicia or renee or someone good but to have him tell me...."im kinda friends with her" a her that shall remained unnamed even though the only person that reads this knows who this is. For my best friend to make plans without me, granted they didnt go through, with this girl drives me up a wall, the jealousy drives me mad and i find it hard to function. Only when speaking of her. I see why he could be friends with her i mean she doesnt speak over his head about topics he doesnt know because well theres not one intelligent thing that comes from her mouth and she exclaims things like women shouldnt be allowed to be surgeonss and like like like like sorry like she was like totally amazing and like like and she also things such as dont you love the feeling you get when everybdy knows your wearing expensive clothing? i mean on some level i believe my friend is a tad shallow but for him to start a friendship with her just drives me crazy... i know it shouldn't and i know i cant do anything but i cant deal with all of the built up anger it gives me... my stomach feels like an endless pit my head tells me dont think about it....

Doodle-y doo doodle-y doo

Im going to Boston! i might as well just live in Boston because i love it so much, water, academics, culture, architecture. My my what can i say it is my haven. I wish to go to a university there and my aunt lives there so im all about covered. I am going to go and spend a week or two there with my aunt! and she works everyday so i am going to eat at little corner cafes, people watch and discover fascinating thrift stores to sort through. Im so excited i positively can not wait... Well thats my story, whats yours?

Death

When death comes upon us we cower. This is the natural response. But when death is thrust upon us we burst. We melt into pity and emotion and we feel such pain that no person should have to endure. I don't feel that i will ever return. call me dramatic, call me dumb but i cannot see the good in anything right now. I feel that i may never recover.

Na nananana na na na nanana

I do promise to post a blog as soon as life stops spinning vividly around me!!! oh and i got a hundred on ma examen du francais! (french speaking regents) thats all i have for this moment in time! maybe soemthing new in this one? nope okay ta ta!

Hero (grandma or meatball)

I feel utterly depressed. I just added desperado to my playlist, not saying that i havent listened to it for forever but i just took the long not done and did it. Sophies blog which trust me i love you soph but it made me start to think, more like it was the key to open the door that i have been pushing against to keep closed for so long. every now and then i will take these things out but it is one of the hardest things to shove back away. This despair and feeling that i am not supposed to be here. I know im not the only one feeling this but i feel that i feel this almost on another level. I honestly believe that i am wasting myself sitting here in school and being all worked up in petty things like "she said this..." or i love him so much i feel i might die. what is the point, truly i dont understand. I know im not supposed to understand but what scares me so is that when i look into my future i dont see myself. you know you kinda get this feeling when something isnt going to happen, you make plans and you just know it wont pull through, this is the feeling i get. This is what scares me, because i have amazing intuition..... On the other hand the only thing making me believe that this world is real and worth it is love... i am beyond hopeless romantic. i scare myself when it comes to this because i get so developed and intertwined in things not to mention people. I know i sound positively suicidal but trust me im stable and perfectly okay. I think we need to talk about something more happy because that brought me down a tad.

something happy....something happy.... my AP exam is in less then 2 weeks and i know nothing. regents are after that and again (at least in trig) i know nothing. yes that was happy... Oh i know! im going to long island/ NYC this weekend to see one of my closest friends Katherine! its her birthday and the theme is Decades, different rooms are going to be decorated in different decades ex 20s 60s 80s and we have to come prepared for it :) Friday is the day i'm going down and its Katherines 3 month anniversary so im going to be a third wheel in a way... they are going to eat Italian ice on the water and i am going to watch and feel pain in my heart for them (tra la! that love thing again) and most likely be the photographer. i am positively giddy at the prospect of this, unfortunately the week can not go so slowly.

Nosepads

My aunt is raising a baby squirrel, yes that is right a squirrel. i truly believe it runs in the family to be so comforting towards natures animals because not 5 years ago we were raising our very own Sarah duck. In our basement sink i might add, and she stayed for a almost 4 months. It also has become apparent that if everything works out perfectly i am going to be traveling almost every weekend from about two weeks away until june. I am going to my friends birthday in Long Island, The harry potter premiere with my aunt in boston, to montreal with my aunt, virginia with choraliers, and nyc with my family. i dont have the money for this : / Hence why i am desperately looking for a job! Today i got an interview at Sears just for answering some questions but my goodness do i hate Sears. It was the only place i told myself i would never work, only lowly people work there and i hate it (except that it has lands end in it) and yet here i find myself all interviewed-up for Sears. Joy....

          Theres no tab button, everytime i hit it the cursor just disappears, i think we should strike because now how will all of my carefully placed indents be in the same place! What is this world coming to........ tut tut
           My rattie is very sit, my little jamima is wheezing and can barely breathe and thats on antibiotics, i think we need a nebulizer. Jolly is recovering well from her surgery and i find it hard to believe that a rat who has been sick for a year and has been on medicine can be worse off then a rattie who just got her entire stomach split open and scooped out for tumor and is bouncing around two days after the surgery with no pain meds.... jolly amazes me, if shes not being her usual narcoleptic self she is bouncing.  She was up for about 5 mins today before falling back asleep, the poor dear. 

Ugly word of the day: Narcoleptic
Pretty word of the day: Umbrella


LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

We wonder why

 So the musical (a very productive production) is over with and with the two or so weeks its been since its ended i have taken any moment i can to sleep and calm down and now maybe a bit more delayed then i would have hoped i am back writing and intend to continue writing. 
Life needs background music. It just plainly makes life so much more meaningful. This realization has occurred to me many a time but this time i have somewhere to voice my interests. Not 3 minutes ago i reached into my lap and pet my rattie Jolly, the tune from the death scene of titanic (nearer my god to thee) with the quartet started to ring across my laptop speakers and i watched as she fell asleep in my hand as i pet her and i thought of how her tumor could end her life at any point and i would be incapable to help her. The combination of music with the memories and nostalgia made me almost cry, not to mention the rain and gloom of outside. I then proceeded to read some of my friends blogs about liking people and taking the leap for it and that of course made me think and of course at that moment under pressure was playing... another fun blog i read was lightened up with some glee. Its positively amazing how music can affect you and your very thoughts, moods, and way of visualizing.

To,well you know who you are, i think you should take the leap and go for it, thats the problem with us is we hide and bottle any emotions towards anyone. We wonder what could happen to our reputation or our image through the eyes of others if we do a certain action and my goodness we all just need to let go and jump, heaven knows i could and i think we all have something keeping us back. Just put on an inspirational song let your hair fly in the wind and jump.............

Well folks thats what you get for makin Whoopee

I do believe that i am positively giddy tonight! Life is amazing......... its raining, im talking about Portsmouth, and i am fixing everything with my dearest sue. And no it has nothing to do with the title. Now trust me i would have written sooner however i have been up to here swamped with work and rehearsal and friends and sleep. Now the time has changed forward........... everybody complains about losing an hour of sleep but the truth is if you go to bed at the same time you do everynight... thats saying fake time not old time for example: 
you go to bed at 9.30 on the 1st of march but on the 14th you go to bed at 9.30 as well even though the time has changed. 
I basically just took a simple process and made it about twenty times harder.... lets put it this way we dont loose any sleep. Although i feel like i have lost about three hrs of sleep every night for the past two weeks. 
       So tonight lets talk about Cafeterias and the oddity of them....... i mean the sheer oddity. You take alot of people, you put them in a large room with a ton of tables in it and they all eat, yes eat together, but not as in one large buffet table with twenty gazillion leafs, no separate tables with separate people eating. it just baffles me the very concept of it. Nobody ever gets that but to me it is so very odd, i mean very odd. It really makes you think about society, yes society that tells us that we all must sit together and eat food, we buy food in a cue and put it on flat pieces of plastic. its all very..... socially formed. well i must sleep, i will be so much better at this when im not dying from exhaustion and stress. Au revoir mon meilleur amis Je regrete fatiguee. 

My eyes look charming today

Today i bought and paid for my own brand new pair of Vogue name brand glasses. That's right.... no more oxidized, now silver, chipping, nose pad missing, scratched, super glued pieces of glass i was wearing... They are gold and yellow... very awesome and flashy. My kind of glasses, after a lot of bad glasses that were nothing special i took a chance and put on the shiny ones and my heart went pitter patter.... only glasses meant for you will make you go pitter patter.  im tired.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

toodles

Never put a seltzer next to the cooling vent of a laptop

I have gone to rehearsal and everybody is horrible.... we spent a long time getting yelled at and i know that nothing will change. Its process you see, we mess up, bob gets angry, we get yelled at, we shut up for about 2.345712 seconds and then we mess up all over. Now not to be full of myself or anything but when i say we... i mean everyone else because i have done basically nothin wrong but i cant tell other people to be quiet because then they will talk behind my back and call me a b#!$*, Yes bob preaches of a family and what do we get.... backstabbing, rude, disrespectful, selffish, whiny thiefs.... yes thats right people are stealing other peoples things now. Isnt that just great and to save drama club from being closed the school is now informed. A successful charming productive family has now turned into a rotting pit of mediocreness. So now to help me get over it i am ranting about it in my blog, eating synthetic american cheese by the slice and accidently missing my mouth with a can of the worst stuff i have a round.... cranberry lime seltzer.... thats right no soda.. seltzer. Im over it.
        My elior and i are back together... thats right i gave her another chance... this is her millionth ;) to all who dont know, elior is just my friend, i am interested in men, she is my hypothetical sweetie but shes seeing several others....
        When you put a seltzer next to the fan thing it gets really hot... just for future reference. It does not taste good and the liquid is hot and depending on the average distance from the can to the fan it becomes very hot.... making you freak out and periodically burn your hand. The great thing is that you dont actually burn your hand, in actuality the can is most likely very cool but your mind having realized the position of the can instantly tells you: BURN BURN BURN!!!!! Then you realize how very demented you are as a person and continue in life to blog about it. Yes i am an awesome person *flicks crumbs off shoulder/ shrugs* I am sitting next to an insulated swirl serve server.... pretty awesome man.
         My friend is getting his haircut at 9.33 at night... how crazy is that. 9.33 and they arrived at the hair place at 7.30... you have to wonder what the barber was doing for so very long. Im rambling and i can only imagine how much you are enjoying this...
Toodles

Oooo Burn

After debating for a very long time about getting a blog and then seeing my Sophie get a blog i have decided that i am going to copy her in ways and start my own ramble of nonsense. So now you get to hear me yap for a very long time... and trust me i will be writing for a very long time... You have to admit now im in style... oh joy. Think about it, a movie featuring Meryl Streep and Amy Adams is hit theaters about that's right blogging,and countless people have blogs including a special somebody who calls my friend... elm? i believe its elm.. i just remember it being some kind of three lettered tree. So yes this is me... i am a complete dork and you will learn to love it.
As i sit and observe the latest episode of Big Bang Theory (the greatest show ever) I have to wonder what the point is of reacting to insults? What is the purpose of sounding like an idiot after hearing someone being insulted and instantly making a noise you would characterize with a large mammal trying to find a mate, or making some intelligent remark about the overheating of an object to the point of combustion. Lets explore this:
Insulter: That's what your mom said last night
Insulted: *crickets chirp*
On looker with awesome reaction noise: Ooooo Burn!
I mean come on guys... is this really intelligent sounding at all? what is the point of this...
I would continue with this rant because this is rather short but i am being yelled at and am not enjoying this at the moment so I'm going to sign off and leave it at the note of why in the world do you act like a two year old when you hear someone being dissed.. we should just do everything that way... hey want a brownie?... oooo she got offered a brownie... hm maybe it will make life more exciting. Toodles